DEMIR
GÖKGEL'e:
This
is what I felt for the first time in my life, as I created a facebook
event. I had a performance, for which I wanted to invite all my
facebook contacts. I used the application of facebook where I can
make a facebook event website and invite the persons I am in contact
with in this web platform. A web site where I can give some
information about my performance, upload a photo, and allow people to
react, with the possibility that they click the buttons: join, maybe
or decline.
My
performance would take place in Stuttgart, and it was clear to me
that 90% of my contacts don't live in this city and even won't have
the possibility to come. But even though I decided to invite
everyone, since I liked the idea, that they at least will get the
info what I am working about and that I will perform.
I
clicked the button to invite people and searched for the possibility
to invite all of them with one click. I couldn't find out how to do
this. Facebook didn't offer the opportunity to do this in a simple
way. So I decided to click every one separately. Short after I
recognized that this will take me quite a long time, since I have
almost two thousand facebook friends, and that what I am doing feels
pretty much like a machinery work. But somehow I was experiencing a
very slight feeling which was touching me: While I was clicking the
names, every now and then, the name of some persons were causing me a
slight happiness. These persons who were now not a part of my all day
life, but with whom our lives had touched each other in our pasts,
were popping up shortly into my mind with this decision of facebook,
which doesn't allow to invite all people automatically with one
click.
The
remembrance of our common past with every one of them separately,
together with the imagination of the moment when they will get the
information of my performance while they are in their all day lives
in a very different part of this world, was causing in me a kind of
'caring', a kind of psychological 'caressing' of the relationship,
which I apparently liked, since I was going on with clicking every
single name, even it was a real automated action.
While
being in this automated mode, being caressed every here and then by
the slight happiness of being connected with the remembrances, I had
to experience something very special for the very first time, which
was incomparable with anything else, which I already knew before in
my life: I saw a name of a friend to click, which caused me to tarry.
His
name was still in facebook!
For
sure, who would delete his facebook account, when he can not do this
for himself? His photo was still the same, was still there, still
looking at me. I had clicked his name automatically. I decided to
de-click it for not choosing his name, for not inviting him to my
performance. This would be nonsense. I heard his voice speaking and
even laughing while he was smoking. A very bizarre moment of very
mixed feelings crashing into each other. I wanted to go on with
clicking in the automated mode, since the idea that he was not living
anymore was hurting badly. I wanted to let everything fall down and
do nothing but just to be with him in that very moment. I could give
a call to the friend of mine who we had in common so that we could
salve the pain a bit. But I didn't. I went on with clicking and
de-clicking like an autist. Putting onto the small box a hook and
putting it away. Again and again. The bigger box where his photo and
his name was, was getting darker and brighter with my clicks. Darker
blue, brighter blue, darker blue, brighter blue... There was nothing
which was changing, except this box there, one of the boxes under
thousands which should automated be chosen.
I
went on with clicking the other names. When I came to the end, his
box was the only one which was brighter. This image was the symbol of
what I had experienced for the first time. Couple months after, when
I created an other facebook event for an other performance of mine,
and I began to click the names for inviting all the people, I was
innerly waiting for the moment that I will read his name. Since I had
decided that this time I wanted to click his name and so invite him
to my performance. This time his box should be darker as the boxes of
everyone. “Demir what does this all mean, what am I doing? Funny
maybe even. I should do something which is more adult. I want to
visit your tomb.” I had written this sentences into my diary. But
when I was last time in Hamburg, I was there with my son, and in fact
we had the last day free to do everything possible, so we could visit
your tomb, I didn't do that. I didn't feel that this is the way I
want you to make present in my life. Instead we went to the
restaurant with my son, where you took me the last time. It was quite
early in the afternoon but I ordered red wine as I had done last time
we were there. I didn't prefer to sit at the same table where we were
sitting, but at a table where I could see us talking and chatting and
gossiping and performing some poetry over hours, while I was taking
care about Can. The wine was effecting me as usual, a tiredness, even
sleep was trying to fade 'my togetherness with you' out. I was
giving resistance while living and enjoying you both, you and my son,
in this very moment, in this restaurant.
This
time it was not far after midnight and the city lights were not
glimmering in the dark, it was summer and the sun had lost his
power... and this time I again ordered the taxi, since the dark of
the wine, even it made me smiling to the world, and made me feel
every sensation so juicy, was causing a melancholia. I didn't want
that the way back to our place last longer than I could probably can.
“Komm Can, lass uns heute eine Ausnahme machen.” to my six years
old Son, when we were in our room. “Can, let's make an exception.”
So we didn't brush our teeth, hugged each other and slept deeply in
Love.
Gürcan Erdemir
Saçma belki ama, ben de arada bir facebooktan laf atıyorum ona, sevdiği şarkıları filan yolluyorum zaman zaman